I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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