so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
