Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
