Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
