Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
this boner is exhausting
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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