what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
