Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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