I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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