So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
