so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
