My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
