do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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