Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
