So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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