apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
