Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
