I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
