i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
