The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
