remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
