Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
so much tequila, so little girl.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
