you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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