Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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