His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
This baby is an asshole
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
