so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he thought i was a dude.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
