I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Randomize
