Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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