My nipple is on Facebook.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
