i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
