fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
