I hope mine doesn't look like that
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
