We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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