Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
