We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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