i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
