I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
