I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
