Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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