how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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