if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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