Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
