why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
