Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
