Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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