I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
