Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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