I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
