Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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