Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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