i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
